I still miss MJ

I miss him a lot today for some reason! Probably because I just watched "This Is It". I don't think I ever properly mourned for the King of Pop. For all of you who are too cool for Mr. Jackson, I recommend you skip this post and go get a life. Cuz you just don't get it yet. For the rest of you, journey towards healing with me.

When I was a kid I lived in Germany for a few years. The old man was financing his oral surgery specialization via the USAF. We would go on lengthy road trips around Europe and, tellingly, my fondest memories are of being in the backseat, staring out the window totally absorbed in the magic my Walkman was pumping into my tiny impressionable ear canals. The two cassette tapes I played the most from ages 9-11 were the Boyz II Men Cooleyhighharmony album (abcbbdmmmhm!) and Michael Jackson's Dangerous. Hot damn, I know I would've already become like the President by now, or Oprah, had Bad found it's way into my cassette collection then- I didn't get hip to those insane grooves until later - but, to be honest, I'm lucky I had any good music to listen to. Sweet serendipity landed those cassettes in my player, there is no other explanation for me having them. It couldn't have been my mom's doing (I love you mom, but Lionel Richie and Michael Bolton did not plant the seeds for the deep and abiding love I have for music today. I'll give you Nat King Cole).

I can't explain accurately what I felt then, or really what I feel now, when I hear MJ sing or watch him dance. It was like knowing you're experiencing something big and important, and knowing you will and must be a part of it. I didn't know it then, but it was inspiring me. I distinctly remember it stirring up stuff inside of me that was powerful and alien, kind of like how David Bowie made me feel the first time I saw Labyrinth, but safer and less confusing. We didn't have proper TV until we returned to the States, and then I would wait until an MJ song would come on and sit there slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, probably drooling, mesmerized by a music video. The one where Eddie Murphy is a pharaoh, or the one where he's white and he's singing about how it's ok that way cuz it don't matta, or the duet with Janet in space where they scream a lot. SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD! I don't care if you're the most boring, scroogiest, art-hating soul-sucker in the world - if you were around when MJ was around, you wanted to be him. You can lie to me, but don't lie to yourself, guys. I still want to be Michael Jackson.

As I am no longer a child and have a little life experience under my belt, what impresses me most about MJ isn't his freakin crazy presence or his singular dance moves, it's his courage and inner strength. He was so abused, had so much pressure on him since the womb, so much public scrutiny and negativity, yet he never quit and he always left it all on the stage. This beaten man wanted to 'bring love back into the world'. He definitely was a little insane, and God bless him for it. The sane don't have that kind of capacity. I can't imagine the pain he dealt with everyday. The dude probably never even had the chance to fall in love with someone. But the general love that man had, and had the courage to share, was enormous, too big to let fear or ill health contain it. Aaaah MJ! So tragic and so sweet a life. "What a beautiful mess", as Jason Mraz would say. I am so grateful for Michael Jackson!

It makes me sad to think about how my kids won't have MJ around to provide them with their first mind-blowing experiences. I know we still have the music, but it's not the same. He won't be a part of the collective unconscious that pervaded my youth and young adulthood. He was a great example in that he never, ever fit in anywhere down here on Earth, but he rocked his own angelic alien-like status and inspired the hell out of us. I want to be an angelic alien, too. I want to find my own moonwalk to show you.

So I guess the lesson here, folks, is dare to shine, despite your weaknesses and maybe your craziness! Don't hide your candles under bushels!! We need to find a new version of MJ by the time my kids are old enough to dream (as said children have yet to be born, you all have plenty of time to practice). Listen to good music! Sing. Dance. Or at least find out the things that blow your mind and make you feel scared and excited at the same time. And, most importantly, go easy on your kids if and when you have them. Where would MJ be today if he had a different dad, you know? He'd probably be in the middle of another world tour and I wouldn't care much if you all hid your gifts. Cuz I'd still have MJ.

In heaven, my hope is that there are lots of baby animals of course (that never poo or pee and that smell like baby lotion), we sit on edible cotton candy clouds, and sit around with our loved ones experiencing the world of MJ. What if heaven is a perpetual Michael Jackson concert, without the bounds of mortality?? WHAT CAN'T THAT MAN DO THEN!?




Many thanks, MJ!



Holler back,

Kassie